Apocalypse the Mighty
by King of the Worthless
Summary: A satirical one-shot that looks at Apocalypse's appearances in Evolution in comparison to the old, wordy blowhard Apocalypse from the comics. If you don't know what satire is, please, drop what you're doing and look it up.


Wow, what's going on here? Well, what if Apocalypse was as much of a blowhard as he was in the comics and old Fox series? Well, let's take a closer look...

(Scene: The tomb in Tibet. Rogue has just opened the Eye of Ages, and Mummy-Apocalypse opens his eyes)

Mummy-Apocalypse: What? What is... happening? I have awakened! At long last, I am free from this vile prison... much to my disappointment, my loyal subjects are not here to serve me. Regardless, it must be known that I am now free, and soon, my plans will become clear to this world!

Rogue: ...wha?

(Rogue comes out of the daze after Mesmero gets knock out. Suddenly, Apocalypse looks at her)

Apocalypse: Ah, but is this child the one who has released me? Such a young girl, yet, so very powerful... but she is no match for... APOCALYPSE!

(Apocalypse grabs Rogue's hand and begins absorbing her)

Apocalypse: Excellent, most excellent! I can feel my strength returning to me! The energy of a legion of mutants, now at my command! I am replenished, and soon, the world will tremble before the presence of the fully restored... APOCALYPSE!

(Apocalypse, now fully restored, emerges from the Eye of Ages)

Apocalypse: Many centuries have passed since my imprisonment, but now the time has come for... APOCALYPSE! to rule!

(Wolverine, after seeing Rogue unconscious, jumps to attack Apocalypse)

Apocalypse: Mortal fool! Do you think that you possess the strength to harm... APOCALYPSE?! No man, be he human or mutant, is any match for my great power! Observe as I use my superior strength to crush you like a weakling!

(Wolverine flies back)

Apocalypse: Now you have witnessed the power of... APOCALYPSE!

(Apocalypse emerges from the tomb and finds the X-Men and the Acolytes prepared to fight him)

Apocalypse: Haha! You fools! Sometimes I pity you, for you do not realize the true strength of... APOCALYPSE! Indeed, you are nothing but insects to me! I would not even waste my time talking to such scum! I have other things to do, plans to fulfill, worlds to conquer, and I do not have time to play with you inferior beings! No, APOCALYPSE! will not yield to you, nor will he be impressed by your weak displays of power! For none of you can begin to imagine the true power of... APOCALYPSE! My power will make the pyramids crumble and force the seas to bow in obedience! No civilized society will rule itself, and all will bow before the terrible might of... APOCALYPSE! I have seen what you are capable of, and I will tell you that you mean nothing to me! I have wasted enough time speaking to you, but you will never forget the brief moment when you stood in the presence of... APOCALYPSE! And now, you will KNEEL!

(Apocalypse claps his hands, applauding his own speech. The X-Men and the Acolytes fall)

Apocalypse: Bahaha! Do you see now that I do not jest? I truly am the Mutant Master of Evolution! You pathetic lesser mutants cannot stand up to me! Only the strongest survive and I have proven that I am indeed the strongest!

(Xavier starts yelling. What was he saying?)

Xavier: Apocalypse, if we are so inferior, why waste your time trying to impress us?

Apocalypse: Hmm. I had never thought of that... BUT I AM GLAD THAT I DID! Yes, this suggestion was not made by the crippled man on the floor! No, this idea came from... MIGHTY APOCALYPSE!

(Apocalypse then ignores them and hovers over to Rama-Tut's Vessel)

Apocalypse: Though you are inferior beings unworthy of standing in my presence, you have served me by bringing to me the vessel of Rama-Tut! Long did I search for him, but the coward could not face the fact that I am STRONGEST! Now I will use his technology to fulfill my deepest goals, and I have you puny insects to thank for this!

(Magneto waves his hand. Apocalypse stops and sends a wave of energy that throws Magneto back down)

Apocalypse: Magneto, is it? Bah! You are the Master of Magnetism, but I am the Master of Evolution! Your powers would not be possible without evolution, of which I am the master... of. Er... I AM RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO SAY. Goodbye.

(The vessel disappears)

Magneto: We have failed...

Xavier: Yes... and our greatest battle is just beginning.

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(Two weeks later, in Mexico, the vessel appears above a pyramid and crushes its outer covering, revealing a futuristic metallic pyramid. The vessel opens and Apocalypse appears)

Apocalypse: And so begins my plan! I, APOCALYPSE!, will evolve mankind, and then, only the strongest shall survive, and I am the strongest of all, and thus I...

(Apocalypse realizes that there's nobody there)

Apocalypse: Uh... BIRDS! LISTEN TO ME, FOR I AM YOUR MASTER! And so, it begins! Soon the world will tremble before the presence of... APOCALYPSE!

(Apocalypse generates a dome around the pyramid and the birds fly away)

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(A while later, Magneto begins throwing crap at Apocalypse's dome. Apocalypse emerges)

Apocalypse: What is the meaning of this? Do you mock me with your weak display of power? None can stand the-

(Apocalypse is interrupted by Magneto's flaming satellite. He throws it back)

Apocalypse: Okay. Seriously. Stop throwing things at me, man. Er... ahem... YOU ARE STRONG, BUT NOT AS STRONG AS... APOCALYPSE! You are worthy of my power, but you will attack me no further! This insurrection ends now!

(Magneto is engulfed in white energy)

Apocalypse: Now you witness the full power of... APOCALYPSE!

(KABOOM!)

Wolverine: No!

Xavier: No!

Apocalypse: Yeah. Bye. Also... XAVIER, BE WARNED! This is but a mere step in my plan!

Mexican Authorities: Hey, he's out... fire!

Apocalypse: FOOLISH HUMANS, DO YOU THI-

(KABOOM)

Apocalypse: Ack... er... okay. I'll deal with you... LATER!

(Apocalypse returns to his dome)

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(Apocalypse sits inside the Sphinx. Mesmero is there with a notebook)

Mesmero: So tell me, master, what troubles you?

(Apocalypse lies down on a couch)

Apocalypse: Sometimes I think that nobody is listening to me.

Mesmero: This may be because most of the time that you make your speeches, there is nobody actually there.

Apocalypse: But... but how could that be? Crowds gather to hear the words of... APOCALYPSE!

Mesmero: You could try not speaking.

Apocalypse: Really? Do you think that would make me more imposing?

Mesmero: Indeed.

(A Marvel suit appears)

Marvel Suit: NO. THIS ENDS NOW.

Apocalypse: Huh?

Marvel Suit: You will continue your tradition of making exaggerated speeches, even when there is nobody there to hear you! Yes, you will continue to make mortals tremble before your presence! Now, you have heard the words of... MARVEL!

Apocalypse: Well... okay.

Marvel Suit: Also, we want you to be a cyborg.

Apocalypse: A cyborg? But that's so... 80's!

Marvel Suit: SILENCE, INSOLENT FOOL! It is by Marvel's design that you will be a cyborg, and so, you will obey the command of... MARVEL!

Apocalypse: Uh... okay.

(Apocalypse puts his hands on the little nanotechnology injector thing. He becomes... CYBORG APOCALYPSE!)

Apocalypse: This... feels strange.

Marvel Suit: Now, remember what we discussed.

Apocalypse: Yes... now then.... THE WORD WILL TREM... I'm sorry, I can't do this... look at me, I look RIDICULOUS!

Marvel Suit: This is your destiny, insolent fool!

Apocalypse: Well, okay...

(Outside, Xavier calls him. Apocalypse emerges)

Xavier: I am Charles Xavier.

Apocalypse: ...

(Apocalypse reaches to capture him, but the Marvel Suit shakes his head. Apocalypse sighs and reluctantly speaks)

Apocalypse: I know who you are.

(The Marvel suit nods and gives a thumbs up. The scene finishes playing out and Apocalypse returns to the Sphinx)

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(Apocalypse is now depressed. He looks like an idiot and he's tired of making speeches)

Apocalypse: I'm just going to stay here and eat some ice cream. sniff Mystique, if anyone comes looking for me, tell them I'm not here.

Horseman Mystique: Yes, master.

Apocalypse: I'm going to cry into my cappuccino.

Marvel Suit: ahem

Apocalypse: Er... uh... AND SO, THE EVOLUTION BEGINS!

(The Eye of Ages is activated. Soon, Rogue appears and just shuts it off)

Apocalypse: Hey, wait a minute...

(Apocalypse grabs her)

Apocalypse: Look, I'm going through something right now, I just need someone to talk to, that's all!

(Rogue begins to shut him in)

Apocalypse: Hey, wait! Come on, stop that! I'm not so bad!

(Once he's shut inside, the vessel is activated and he's thrown across time)

Apocalypse: Great. Now I have nothing to do and nobody to talk to. I feel so lonely... this place is so cold and dark, and I will be imprisoned here forever! But once I find a way to escape from this prison, I will return, and I will wreak my vengeance upon the world! Yes, let it be known that APOCALYPSE will not be defeated so easily!

(Somewhere, the Marvel Suit smiles. Also, Gambit dies)

The End.


End file.
